Candace:

The closest I came to loving someone happened to be a man I never thought could capture my attention.
It was the night of my friends baby shower and I finally had time to let loose. I started drinking from earlier on in the day, but I really needed to get out of there. My cousin was dating this African guy named Jake, who was at Suya Spot, which is an African Club/Restaurant. I wanted to have some fun so I decided to tag along. Big mistake. Jake and his friends bought us drinks and this random guy started dancing with me. At this point I was drunk and ready to slip my panties off. We danced all the way to his car. I thought I could fuck him right there in his car, but something stopped me as he put the condom on. I gave him my number and went back inside – he called the next day, but I acted like I never met him before.
The club was ending and they were ready to hit up another spot. That’s when I met Sebastian. When I first saw him there was zero attraction. I was tipsy, but I could see clearly. “I could see clearly now he was not cute,” sways back and forth.  I danced with him for the rest of the night. I loved that he was so much taller than me, but the attraction was not there. My buzz was wearing off and the club was coming to an end. Sebastian was trying to convince my cousin to go to another party, but we were all tired. I turned to my sister and said, “hell naw this dude looks like the Somalian dude from captain Phillips… I don’t want no “I am the captain now dude.” She started dying of laughter because she saw the resemblance.
A week or two later my cousin and I met up and she mentioned Sebastian. I was completely thrown off because I forgot about him. He wanted my number and I told her no. A couple of days later I got a call from my cousin, but it wasn’t her on the other line. My cousin told Sebastian to ask me for my number. She trapped me. This bitch did that on purpose. I gave Sebastian my number that day and today as I write my memories my heart aches a little.
We spoke a few times on the phone and I realized he was intelligent. I love men who can hold real conversations. He had so many experiences and I wanted to listen to them. I wasn’t falling for him though.
One day after work my sister and cousins were making plans to go to the African house (they named it that, not me). I was not aware that they all had their own African. My cousin threw me under the bus again that day. She told me Sebastian wanted to see me and take me out. We got there and I wasn’t giving him any play. We didn’t go out, but I got him to order food for everyone. We started talking on the balcony and he told me he had a two-year old son. I was fine with it because I was young and unaware. As we talked more I started seeing less of “I am the captain now” and more of him. When he kissed me everything changed. I fell into the kiss. His lips made me crave him even more. Never in a million years did I see myself falling for a dude this quickly (I blame my loneliness). It was a wrap after that. We spoke all the time. He made me feel special. He was the first man I spoke to that was extremely affectionate. Not only with his words, but his actions as well. There was something about Sebastian that made me look past his physical flaws. He was a full-time scammer so it makes sense that I fell for all his lies.
After the first couple of weeks of getting to know each other he had to go back to Africa for a funeral. The crazy part is he called me while he was there. He took time out of his day to call me from Africa. I even spoke to his brother on the phone. The scammer had me wrapped around his finger and he had no idea.
The thing about dating a guy your family knows is there are no red flag you wont be warned about. I knew he had a kid, but I didn’t know he expected his baby mother to be alone. He didn’t want her to date, but he was here giving me false hope. I knew whatever was going on with his child’s mother was not done. I was afraid of falling deeper into his lies so I built a transparent wall. It helped me keep my feelings completely hidden.
When he came back we spoke non stop. He wanted me more than I was giving him. I knew that once I was around him I wouldn’t be able to stop touching and kissing him. He made me want his babies. I avoided him because I didn’t want it to get serious. We were still just getting to know each other, but he was persistent.
Little did I know Sebastian had a whole alternative life in BC. His son lived in Vancouver so when he came back from African he went to visit his son there. When I first met Sebastian he made it seem like his relationship with his baby mother was over. Before him I never dated a guy with kids nor did I plan to. It never occurred to me that dating a man with a young child was the mistake. I was already in too deep. His lies were already wrapped around my heart; the only reasonable choice was to pull through and fight off my stupid feelings. When he first went to Vancouver he stayed with a friend so I didn’t think much of his relationship with his “ex”. It wasn’t until he went back to Vancouver that I realized that he had a lot of explaining to do. Still, i was still under the impression that he wanted us to work. We would Skype all the time. He even had me speak to his son on Skype. I thought this long distance relationship we were building was real. We were going to work out the kinks. I’m shocked that his son never told his mother about it all. It was around christmas that I realized that nothing would come of us. There would be no future for us despite all his empty promises. I gave up on the idea of us being “together”, but according to him we were? I called him for a couple of days and there was no answer. I was upset to put it lightly. I decided I was over trying to make it work so I blocked him and moved on with my life.

A month later I got a call from a random number; when I answered he did not sound pleased. We got into it to say the least. He told me his son was in sick kids, which is why he couldn’t call me back or call at all. I honestly did not understand. I understood that his kid comes first and I completely respect that, but the way I see things is if I’m “your princess”, “your baby girl”, your “girl” you should be able to call or text to tell me whats going on. If you’re unable to juggle both then you shouldn’t be trying to be in a relationship with someone who only wants to find someone to spend her life with. He was upset with me though; he was upset because I blocked his number. I honestly did not want him to call me back ever again. I was hurt and was tired of dating guys who wasted my time. I was happy he took so long to call me from a different number. It validated everything I was thinking. Don’t waste your time on a scammer with no job. If you’re going to date a scammer make sure he also has a JOB. Ha, completely unrelated, but that’s what I learned. Hey Scammers ;)! Seriously, pay attention to the warning signs and your time won’t be wasted.

Remember when I said I put up a wall to protect myself because I knew there was something fishy about the way he thinks. I was in a fish market with this man. Mr. Sebastian was either super smart or really had people watching me. After our argument he said, “You think I don’t know you’ve been seeing someone else, I know what he looks like”. In that moment, I believed him because every time I was by the African house he would call me. It was like he knew I was by that house and wanted to know what I was doing in that area. When I think back he could have been talking shit just to catch me, but I honestly didn’t give a fuck. I lied and said there was no dude. The whole reason why I met another man was because I knew things weren’t going to work out between us. I don’t think we were ever in a real committed relationship anyway, so I’m not a cheater. 

Eventually he told me that he lives with his baby mother for the sake of his son, but they don’t sleep in the same room. I was skeptical about the whole situation because what woman would live with her sons father and not have any relations with him. Then it was he’s trying to make it work for the sake of his son. I heard rumours about him coming from a polygamous home. However, I did not and I was not about to join one. Then it was lets run away and have kids of our own. I told him he had to give me 5 years. Then it was they sleep in the same bed, but they don’t have sex. We stopped talking for a while after that. Eventually, it was it’ll never work between them because she doesn’t want anymore kids. I was on the Leviathan with this man, but I laugh about it now. I almost moved to a different time zone so we could be together. I figured if I was closer he would be able to leave her, but when I said it out loud to my best friend her response was “I question your judgment whenever you talk to this guy” and I knew it was time to hang up the guy who made me realize that affectionate guys are the prize to win.

I learned a lot from my time with Sebastian. Hilarious that my cousin never thought I’d fall for him. She made him call me because she never thought I’d actually give him my number. I didn’t fall hard enough to become his F.I.L. (foolish in love) lady anyway. I hid my feelings for him from everyone. No one knew how affected I was about everything except for the girls at work and my best friend. I was hurting because he was first guy in a long time that i actually showed my sensitive side. It took me cutting him off to realize that I could’ve fallen deeply for man who would never love me back. However, he taught me a lot about myself. I learned that I would never settle for anything less than I deserve. If that meant being alone until Mr. I Love Candace came along then I would have to learn to accept everyone’s judgement for being single. I also learned what kind of man I wanted in the future. Sebastian, despite all the drama he made me feel special for a time period. He lit a fire in me that I want my future husband to light inside of me. I was extremely cold before meeting Sebastian. I gave up on men. He ignited something in me; he opened up an emotional side of me and I am extremely grateful. It haunts me everyday and it will continue to haunt me until I am able to share my love with my partner, but I am thankful.

Ladies, remember that you must put yourself first. You must love yourself before loving another person. Without self-love there is only destruction in your path. Do not give others the opportunity to destroy the love you have for yourself. Never settle for anything less than you deserve because you can end up with a Sebastian The Scammer and miss out on your Mr. I love you.

Cheers to Sebastian for opening me up!