I knew I could love someone, but I didn’t know if someone could love me. I had low days of feeling unloved, lonely, and tired of not meeting guys. I was Issa Rae; the awkward black girl. On top of being awkward, I was shy and not approachable. I’m an extremely nice person, but I definitely suffered from RBF (Resting B**** Face). I’m also not an outgoing person so my chances of meeting men when I’m out was slim to none. Besides my constant singleness, I loved my job, but that also lowered my chances of meeting men. I worked in a woman dominated field.
It wasn’t until a long conversation I had with my friend, who by the way is single and always goes on these life rants that I find annoying, but helpful that I decided to go on Plenty of Fish. She told me that I needed to get out more and put myself out there. She mentioned that online dating was not for her, but I’d probably like it. I was skeptical at first because I never thought of actually going online to meet someone. I wasn’t against the idea either because how else was I going to meet someone.
When I finally signed up for POF, I was scrolling through trying to find someone I was willing to start a conversation. There was plenty that messaged me, but they were only looking for sex. I decided to give POF a break and try OkCupid; that’s when Peter messaged me. The attraction was there and I was excited to have finally found someone I was willing to give my time to. We talked on the app for a while then finally exchanged numbers. Our first date was at the movies. We went to see Jurassic world (good movie btw), then went on an hour and half walk after. Me being a shy person I was extremely nervous on the date so we both left without a kiss. We spent a lot of time talking and going on dates, but I was still new to the adult dating. I was a 23-year-old virgin and inexperienced. The first time he kissed me we were in a Moxies parking lot and it sent jitters down my spine. It felt good to be kissed like that. I honestly don’t know how I got home that night because my mind was twisted, I was in a daze, I was falling. Peter really opened up a part of me that was hidden for a while. He also opened up wounds that I didn’t know were so important to my growth as a woman. He made me feel special, wanted, sexy even. To have a man look at me in awe was amazing. I hadn’t felt that since high school and I was about to graduate college.
Peter put me back together then broke me. He just disappeared when I thought we were building something. The thing about not being in any type of relationship for a long time and then finally finding someone to make you feel wanted is it puts you in a low state. I didn’t think I’d be so affected by him not speaking to me anymore. I thought I was a much stronger person than i was, but then again it was a while since i felt something for someone.
After dealing with my heartbreak from Peter i needed to get back out there. I said bye to OkCupid and hello to POF again. I figured I would find someone from there since OkCupid was a bust.
I finally started talking to this Spanish dude from POF. We talked for almost a month, but it all ended when he almost took my virginity. He couldn’t fit and got embarrassed I guess. I thought men loved the tight ones… I guess not? I was still carrying my virginity around. My friends put my virginity on this high pedestal and I couldn’t understand why. None of them were virgins, but they wanted me to keep mine. The whole glorification of virginity doesn’t mean anything to me. The whole concept of popping your cherry, and your virginity being so sacred was so meaningless to me. Why did it matter who took your virginity? Most people don’t end up with who takes it anyway. My friends would say things like “if I was you I’d keep my virginity”, “I’d trade with you”, “I’d wait until marriage”. Did they think because they experienced sex and I haven’t that I didn’t have desires? I wasn’t a complete stranger to all things sexual, but they still insisted on me keeping my virginity.
My online dating blues set in and I was getting frustrated with all the failures I encountered. There were a lot of failures. Boys who didn’t know what they want, men that wasted my time, and some I couldn’t waste anymore time on. This white guy who lived in Vancouver hit me up when he was in town and we decided to meet up. We went to the drive in movie theatre, drove around for a bit, then we ended up in a parking lot. Things moved quickly and before I knew it I was no longer a virgin. I didn’t stop him and to be honest I didn’t want to stop him. I was ready to give it up. I dropped him off and his height dropped at the same time. I got out of my car to give him a hug and the young man turned into a gnome in seconds. I was screaming, “this dude did not tell the truth about his height” in my head. Whats up with guys always lying about their height?
I wasn’t in a rush to lose my virginity, but I did not want to hold onto it any longer. The biggest mistake I made when losing my virginity was not using a condom. My friend yelled at me for days. First she yelled at me for losing my virginity to a random from the internet, then it was about me losing it in a car, then it was about me not using a condom. She didn’t really care about the other things, but she scared me when she listed all the things I could have contracted from this dude.
I’m living with no regrets. I don’t look back at my first time and wish for it back like some of my friends, but I should have been smarter. I’m clean, but that does not excuse my actions. Sometimes we trust the wrong people and end up with an STD or STI. Do not put your life in the hands of someone you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with. Be sure to wrap it up ladies and gentlemen!
A lot of people may judge me for giving my virginity away so freely, but i wanted to step away from the norm. I don’t want society to dictate my actions or my character. By giving my virginity to who I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted I was able to break the cycle for myself. I didn’t let the opinions of the general population and my friends determine how I was going to live my life. To all the ladies, who are afraid of being themselves because you fear being judged remember even when you’re doing great people are still going to judge you. Don’t let what society deems unacceptable control your decisions. I didn’t!
“Every sinner has a future and every saint has a past.”