A lot caused me to be the person I am today. My family still sees me as the villain and only a few have taken steps to actually understand me. No one has talked to me about how they’ve treated me until this day. Well, I confronted my brother, but still got no answers that I accepted.

Eventually my dad bought a big house. The week before they bought the house my dad and his girl were fighting. She told me he held a gun to her head to sign the papers. I saw them fighting all the time. My uncle came over once and saw them fighting. This guy just walked out and left him to beat her up. I never understood why he never got involved, but I assumed it was because of how my dad was.

When we moved I was still going to my old school, which was far. If I missed the bus I was toast. I did miss the bus one day and I had to walk home in the freezing cold weather. My dad made me walk home and when I say my hands were brittle, I mean it. There was always food at home cause my step mom was there. She made sure there was food, she took care of us. She bought us clothes, and school supplies. However, she was very strict and that caused my siblings to hate her. I didn’t mind her.

I eventually ran away from home, I got tired of the house and I honestly didn’t want to live there anymore. I was a tyrant, but I didn’t care. Something in me just did not care about how I acted. The thing about my sister is she’s one of those people who cry for everything. She worries too much and so i decided I’d tell her where I was so she wouldn’t be extra. That backfired.. she told my dad where I was after I told her not to. He showed up to my friend’s house and her mom didn’t want me to come outside, but he threatened to call the police. For a second I thought he cared, which is why I came out, but 2 days later I was on a plane back to Jamaica. I told my sister he would send me back if she told him. The shitty part is I was arguing with my sister over toothpaste and she said I’m not even going to argue with you cause where you’re going you wont need this. I never knew I was leaving until the morning of my flight. My siblings knew once it was decided. To me that was betrayal. I don’t think I ever truly got over that. The morning of my departure my aunt called telling me not to worry because I’ll only be gone for little while. My dad just can’t handle me right now. I think she was just making sure her plan to ship me back didn’t fail. Rich kids get sent to boarding school. I got sent back to Jamaica. I think my dad didn’t want to try, it was easier for him ship me off.

I calmed down on how I treated my mom this time around, but I still lashed out in different ways. I’d give myself fake tattoos that said I hate my mom. I would talk bad about my mom to my friends. I was good at school because my mom worked there, but I still wouldn’t listen to her. I was respectful to everyone, but her. She thought something was wrong with me so she took me to see counsellor. They said I was fine and that I was rebelling. 

I did everything to get my mom upset. I stole money from the church offering because my mom was the treasurer. I lied about it, but my mom knew. She took her own money and put it back. I would carve fuck you in the church pews because I could.

Living in Jamaica got fun for a bit because I had this boops (a man you don’t have to sleep with for money or things) that would give me money. I would pay my brother to keep quiet. His house was behind mine and one night I seen him in his bathroom. I went over to ask for money and somehow my mom saw me and dragged me out of there. And she beat me, I mean she beat me like she’s never beat me before. She thought I was having sex with the man, but I was a virgin.

I lost my virginity a month and a half later to some boy I liked. The way my neighbourhood was set up there was one way in and one way out. After school I took the cab passed my house to have sex with a guy I was talking to. I had something to prove for some reason. I wanted to prove that I could still have sex.

I graduated number one in my class and went back to Canada for the summer. My mom told me not to come back. She told me she was never going to take me back, she was too tired. I got to stay in Canada after that.

I was 15 when I came back to Canada. I was in highschool and that was the best school experience I’ve ever had. There was a lot of questionable things that went down. Midnight love being one of them. My cousin, her friend, and I would three-way these guys all the time. At this time, no one knew my name. I always lied about my name. I had a boyfriend for over a year that thought my name was Sherise before he found out. He didn’t even know what I looked like. I was the Catfish Queen! My cousin and my friend felt bad for the guy. Back to Midnight Love… these guys thought we were having phone sex with them. I mean there was three of us on the line and maybe 5 of them. All who had nicknames like “waste yute” and “dutty boy”. We faked it all, or at least I did. I could only speak for myself. These guys actually fell for it and we would laugh about it later.

I met a lot of cool friends in highschool. Gayle was one of the girls i met, she was cool. Gayle and I were batty and bench (inseparable). We were always chilling at her house because it was party house. I invited my cousin and her friend too to the first one I was invited to. Gayle’s uncle started to talk to me and because I was young and didn’t care I started being his side chick. I’d sleep with him in his bed while his wife was at work. He was a DJ so he was always at parties that he would bring Gayle and I to. Anything I wanted he would get. He was fulfilling all my needs. I was young, so $100 seemed like a lot of money at the time. His wife started to catch onto what was going on. He was bold about us, so I was bold too. His wife told him I wasn’t allowed over anymore, but he didn’t listen. Whenever I felt like being there I was there. She approached me one day and said you come here and see that me and him are living together why would you try to sleep with him. My response was, “My girl, if your fowl cob did clean your cock wouldn’t stray.” She thought I was disrespectful for that. She said she’s going to make sure I’m not allowed back while I walked right behind her into the house. 

One day, she came home and she was upset because I was there. Gayle and I were talking about her. Not once did she approach us and say to stop, but she waited until he got home to bring it up. He came and told us not to talk about her. The woman got her voice back apparently. She overheard us talking and thought it would be a good idea to start yelling at me. One, I struggle with authority. Two, I wasn’t about to make this woman disrespect me. She pushed me, so I punched her in the face. She tried to punch me back, but I put her in a headlock and started punching her in her head. He then started screaming, “My plant, my plant. Watch my plant! Y’all can fight, but watch me plant.” Till this day Gayle and I still laugh about the fact that he was breaking up the fight while feeling on my butt. I thought it was strange too.

After that, I realized that she was officially my enemy, so I put Nair in all her hair products. Their house burnt down after that, so I had to go back to my dads house. At this time he had a wife that he secretly married with a baby on the way. A boy, that his wife let me name. I still thought she was a straight up bitch, she only cared about herself, and she would talk shit about me to my cousins. I hated my step mommy! The hate between us was definitely mutual. She had a baby and moved back to Jamaica. At that time it was just my dad and I in the house. He was hardly home though. 

My dad had his side piece who he met on my uncles street living in our house while his wife and new son were in Jamaica. He helped sell her house so made our home a shelter and let her stay there. His wife was about to come back, so he kicked his side piece out just in time.

One day, I invited my boyfriend; David over because my dad was never home. He would usually stay out until it was time for me to get dressed for school, but that day my dad came home and found me with my boyfriend. I did play a part in me getting caught because we fell asleep. I slipped up. He saw David’s shoes in the house and yelled, “Makeda who’s in my house.” He told David to get out the house. Then kicked me out right after. I went to my friend’s house then got arrested the same day for a dine and dash. My friend got away and I got caught after she told me she was taking me out for lunch. Who tells someone “Let me take you out for lunch,” lets me order whatever I want, then tells me they have no money. The salt still lingers a little with that one. They called my dad, so he could pay, but he said no they can lock me up and throw away the key. I got released and went to my other friends house. 

The relationship between Gayle’s uncle and I sparked back up. I didn’t like being the side girl anymore, so that ended as it rekindled. Gayle and I stole his wifes credit card and bought Jordans. We got kicked out after that.

I went to my brother and sisters house to see if I could stay there for a bit. My sister said I couldn’t stay there because her boyfriend and I don’t get along. No one got along with her boyfriend. My brother would sneak me in because I had nowhere to go. Her boyfriends card got stolen and my sister assumed it was me. This time it wasn’t. Her man didn’t want me there so at 2 am she told me I had to go. My friend and I went to her man’s house in Toronto. I moved in with my African boyfriend and eventually dropped out of school in grade 11. 

I always slept at a different friends house. My family is huge, but I never felt comfortable calling them. I never stayed at a friend’s place for more than one night, I didn’t want to over stay my welcome, just in case I had to go back there. I was chilling with my boy one night and he got a phone call. This phone call changed my life.

To Be Continued…